Wednesday, 12 November 2014

cross country skype relationships and not the end of the world

Dear J,

Yesterday night you sent me a text: "Sometimes, i feel like an Idiot, because i should have realized what i was saying goodbye to really, i should have known better. Still, i swore that if there would be one single thing for me to Keep, it would be you."
And I felt my heart in my throat and I got that stupid smile on my face again that I always get when I think about all the stupid stuff we have been though together, and replied with the only thing I knew to be true: "But that's the thing though: It was never good-byte. Not really"
What followed were embarrassing photos, some from the careless time we shared this summer, others from four winters back. It's amazing we still have them on our phone, although we probably never look at them (some of them are pretty cringeworthy, you have to admit.)

And I fell asleep with a smile on my face knowing that, "an ocean away", just like Benjamin Gibbard sings in Shepherd's Bush Lullaby, the first song on the mistake I made you before I went to London, your day was still in full swing and you probably took a break from work to giggle at your phone just as much as I did.

I have to admit, it feels weird having to arrange a specific time to see you.
It used to be so natural, I would show up at your doorstep with a hot chocolate and drag you out of your room when you were loosing your nerves over your biology homework and you texting me in the middle of night would mean I would get to see you in five minutes, if I just opened the door.
But I don't see myself getting annoyed at having to stay up an extra hour just to see your face smiling up at me from my laptop.
First of all, I get to catch up with "How To Get Away With Murder" like that once a week.
And more importantly, you are simply worth it.

Long distance relationships are portrayed as something doomed to go wrong in romantic comedies.
Long distance relationships are the one thing you never even attempt.
But I don't think I spent a single day breathing without thinking about you, and if it is just passing.
And it's never a depressing thought about how much I miss you.
Because yes, of course, I do, it would make things a 1000% better if I could turn around in bed and just see your calm, sleeping face, but this doesn't mean that things aren't good as they are.
Most of the time I just think about something I know we will talk about when we see each other again, or wonder what you could be doing right now. If I get particularly curious, I text you.

And when I see you again in 6 weeks, it will be like we've never been apart.
It's something I know in my bones to be true.
It will just be like a slightly longer summer holiday, one that is packed with a few more stories than usual, one that required a bit more time to be made up for.
I dragged you along for the ride, and so did you.

It is possible if you really want to.
Some people just stay with you.
All along the way.

   I miss you.
But I will let anyone afraid to leave their loved ones behind know that it's bearable.

Love, H.

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